Gold’s Top Christmas Cracker Jokes revealed

TV channel Gold challenged the nation to come up with the best topical Christmas cracker jokes for the eighth year running

The winning festive joke: “What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.”

Top jokes feature famous faces including Marcus Rashford, Donald & Melania Trump and Boris Johnson

Puns about lockdown and an unpredictable 2020 also got the country giggling

A festive joke about Dominic Cummings has been revealed as the winner of a national competition to come up with the best new modern Christmas cracker gags, according to the British public.

Other topical moments in the wake of recent months have been used as material for the top festive funnies, including Zoom calls, Eat Out to Help Out, travel restrictions and gaffes from leaders such as Boris Johnson and Donald Trump.

The jokes are the winners of TV channel Gold’s annual festive competition for new Christmas cracker jokes which aims to keep the country chuckling this festive period, adding a comical spin to a year like no other. Now in its eighth year, the competition once again challenged entrants to come up with the best topical and modern Christmas cracker jokes, which were then voted for by the British public to determine the winners.

Gold’s top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020 are revealed as:

  1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas

  2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!

  3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled

  4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity

  5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen

  6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you

  7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn

  8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have

  9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread

  10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
    Home Alone

  11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail

  12. Why won’t Santa lose any presents this year? He’s downloaded Sack and Trace

  13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It’ll take ages to flatten the curve

  14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat

  15. Why wasn’t Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs

  16. Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out

  17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year’s staff Christmas party? Put him on mute

  18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook

  19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford

  20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn’t book a home delivery

Gold challenged the British public to tweet original festive gags to enter the competition. Entries were shortlisted by a panel of judges – led by comedy critic Bruce Dessau – and put to an anonymous public vote of 2,000 British adults to reveal the winning jokes. The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of Gold’s Christmas crackers*, which were presented to this year’s winners.

The annual joke competition celebrates Gold’s seasonal TV scheduling, which includes classic festive episodes of Britain’s best loved comedies such as Only Fools and HorsesThe Royle Family and Mrs Brown’s Boys. There’s a chance for Gold viewers to catch up on UKTV Originals Dial M For Middlesbrough and Death On The Tyne, starring Johnny Vegas and Sian Gibson as bungling mystery solvers Terry and Gemma, before their brand new series Murder, They Hope airs next year.

Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who led the Gold judging panel, said:

Amongst one of the strangest and most turbulent years yet, we can always rely on British humour to pull us through. With subjects ranging from Zoom and self-isolation to Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings, there are jokes here to tickle everyone after a challenging year. 

Gerald Casey, Gold channel director, said:

The festive period is a time for reflection, and although the nation has certainly had a difficult year, it’s heartening to see that British wit remains as sharp as ever.

The author of the winning joke, Craig from Manchester, received the top prize of £1,500 towards a holiday and a box of bespoke Gold Christmas Crackers, one of which will contain his own winning gag.

All the jokes voted on by the 2,000 British public are original content to the best of Gold’s knowledge.

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